You Still Have All Of Me
by xNeariax
Summary: Do you have any idea, how stupid it seems now that I never told you how much I was really falling for you? ... KIBBS Oneshot.


**Disclaimer:** Nothing about NCIS belongs to me, 'cause I'm definitely not DPB. The Song doesn't belong to me either – it's My Immortal by Evanescence.

**A/N:** Huh.. another Post-Twilight idea – ignoring the fact that I actually never intended to write one of these at all. Well, what should I say? Blame the time of year. I simply had to crash this one down..

The specific idea hit me, while talking about 'Hiatus' and Gibbs little 'calling Ziva Kate mistake' with my (usual) beta. Could it be, that there was another reason for Gibbs to leave the city for a while? In my imagination: Yes.

**Many thanks to my ****lecturer who served as my beta for this one..**

* * *

**You still have all of me**

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It was his first day, or rather his first evening, in Washington after months.

At the beginning, he tried to stay. He really did.  
Weeks, months, nearly a year passed by until he finally perceived that he couldn't.

Everything in his bullpen, in this whole city, reminded him of her. Of his unuttered love for her.

Even now, after all this time of absence, it all looked the same. Like nothing had changed.  
In fact, everything already changed a year and a half ago on that rooftop.

* * *

_I'm so tired of being here  
__Suppressed by all my childish fears_

_

* * *

_

Under normal circumstances, his first direction would have been a motel. Maybe NCIS headquarters.

But for Leroy Jethro Gibbs there was no normality anymore.  
It hadn't been there for quiet a while.

He just couldn't find anything 'normal' at heading straight for a flowers shop and buying a bunch of white roses, before entering a graveyard.

It just wasn't the way it should have been – under normal circumstances.

* * *

_And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave_

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_

When he finally reached his destination he bent down and placed the bouquet carefully.  
His eyes fixed on the engraved letters for a long moment, before they found a undefined spot in the sky.

"I'm sorry, I never came here, Katie. Maybe... maybe I thought... if I didn't it wouldn't feel so real.  
Or maybe I was just... terrified?!.. that it'd bring it all back to memory.."

* * *

_Because your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_

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* * *

_

By the time he began speaking to her, he didn't even realize that his eyes were filled with tears.

Bitter tears which slowly made their way down his cheeks, while everything he'd wanted to say for so long poured out without him even thinking about it.

In retrospect, he wouldn't even remember clearly if he indeed said any of it - or if it were only his thoughts.

"I've spent a while in Mexico, you know? Well, didn't help. And... I've realized, that comin' here can't recall anything… 'cause..  
I never stopped thinking 'bout you.. Because.. no matter where I am.. or what I do.. you'd still be missing – and it always hurts."

* * *

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

* * *

Even now, he often asked himself what could have been. If he could have changed things – at least a bit.

Or is there in fact something like destiny? A prescribed path for anyone that one just can't change?

He couldn't believe that there was some kind of fate. If things turned out to be that way – why should one still make decisions?  
It wouldn't matter anyway, would it?

* * *

_When you'd cry I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I've held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me_

_

* * *

_

Thinking like that naturally led him to questioning himself and reflecting his behaviour.

What would have happened, if he hadn't pulled her up after the first shots? Or if he had shot Ari right there in the morgue?

Would he be standing next to her gravestone now, no matter what?

"I know now, I should've done many things differently.. Quit being such a bastard for a start.. Stop hiding behind my damned rules.. But first of all, I should have been faster.. smarter.. I should have known he wouldn't give me a chance like this without being prepared.. Why? Why didn't I go for the head, for god's sake?"

* * *

_You used to captivate me  
By your resonating light_

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* * *

_

As Gibbs went on his knees, his azure eyes fixing on the bunch of roses only inches away, he was to captured in his thoughts to notice nightfall - letting alone the starting rain.

But a coincidentally observer could have gotten the impression, that heaven was crying with this man.  
For Kate - and for a love that never got a chance.

"Do you have any idea, how stupid it seems now that I never told you how much I was really falling for you?  
How often I imagined shutting you up with a kiss during one of our arguments?  
I didn't even have the guts to simply ask you out.. and instead? I made up rule twelve.."

A sigh escaped his lips and he softly shook his head – disgusted by himself and not understanding what he had feared back then anymore.

* * *

_But now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me_

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* * *

_

Of course, she could have rejected him. They could have broken up and hurt each other.

But could that really have been worse than knowing that they'd wasted all of their chances?

"..If I had only known.. I never would have hesitated.. I never would have missed holding you in my arms, if only once.. Damn, Katie…"

The usually so controlled marines voice cracked, causing him to fall back into silence.

* * *

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_

_

* * *

_When he finally regained his composure darkness had already fallen over the now quiet city of Washington, D.C..

The only sounds were the ones of the night.

The muted chirr of a megrim somewhere in the trees, the monotonous plash of the falling rain that softly touched the ground  
- and the ghostly whisper of the rising wind.

And even now, after all this time had passed, he caught himself turning around; his eyes grazing the area, while he stood up – unconsciously looking around for a sign of her.

Lively, refulgent, beautiful – the way she had always been.

* * *

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
And though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along_

_

* * *

_

Only to face the bitter truth again merely instants later.

He was alone.

* * *

**The End**

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Wow, this one became a lot longer than I intended. However, again a more personal work. Let's hope it won't become a habit. ;)

Reviews are very much appreciated as always.


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